Guilt from my own words.

If I write these words and point you out will you forgive me if everyone sees? My secrets, my life and the stories I put into motion as someone turns the pages. What would you do if they knew I was speaking of you with the actions and hatred you bestowed upon me while they read on? There are days where I put into question any talent I might have. Do I have the right to call myself a writer, a title given to the privileged few? Those afternoons where I feel the talent and ambition flow through me, I wonder how other writers deal with the consequences of the words they write. We press to paper things we know, the pen flowing with drama and horrors we grasp. Sure, we stretch the truth as we see it but the loved ones around us see themselves or our own life’s story in the pages they turn. What does that make me as a writer? The storyteller people want to hate? I fear the day you read my work, I dread the moment you see some part of your life in there for the entire world to see. The guilt I see in myself sometimes eats at me until I don’t ever want to hold that pen and paper ever again. Do I believe you could handle the words I write? Not at all. My life as I see it and lived I use however I chose in the works that I write. However I must tell you I truly dread letting you even peak into the world I have created for myself. It is my words and my life, you just happen to be a part of it in some way. Does that make me a vile monster to express what I feel and think to the pages I desire to create? You would have be believe it so and I tend to agree today. Will that change? It always does, tomorrow I may aspire to be the greatest writer I can be. Though right now, I beat myself up for the words I write, the dreams I show shattered and secrets I reveal for all to see. I dread the moment you open the pages and see the world I created. A work of fiction or non it doesn't matter, you will hate them all the same and detest my fingers for putting it all down. I am a writer, though today I don't feel like one. Today I don't want to be a writer.

What Happened now?

What happened now? Another lie, another fight or was it petty and pathetic? It’s always one or the other, it’s never simple, and nothing ever was. Its foundation was built on deceit, rash decisions and a false sense of need and wanting. It was never what it was intended. Life is funny that way isn’t it? Now you are my learning tool. Something I shouldn’t do. Something I learned too late I suppose. Is that ok? Sure, why not? I was happy in the end. The outcome is not always what we want, what we think it will be. Nor is it the end of our feelings and controlling them. Our emotions control the destiny, the rule of thumb. If only I had paid attention. I would have seen it coming, the end, the beginning. Or did I? Another thing that is entirely possible. I see you now. Are you the same, are you different? What do I see when I look at you? I see all the lies I told you. All the deceit I put into this. I see the ugliness I made, all that shone brightly in front. How is that? I see your mess; I see your degrading nature, your own lies and horrid behavior. I never thought to see my own when I saw your face. I should have. The perplexity that was our world, interchangeable, nerve racking is what it really is. Exposed and abused is what I feel. And this time I can blame me too. So what happened now? Was it another lie, fight or something pathetic? No. It wasn’t. It was me. It was my eyes opening wide open to my own flaws. My own world I created with you. It was my cleared up vision of it all. I get to blame me too now. I get to learn that I botched things up and I made mistakes that were ugly and placed too much weight on your shoulders. I saw myself in your eyes and I hated the imaged reflected. I hated what I had become with you.So, do I walk away from all this that has ravaged the two of us, never to look back and ponder anything? Have I truly learned the lessons given me? I doubt it for there is always something else to see that was missed the first dozen times of rummaging through the mess. I see the notes you left and the anger raging out toward me. Can I catch them all to throw them back at you? Oh how I would love to and yet I know I cannot. There is simply too much for me to bear when I see you and what you have to say about me and what was once us. I have carried the weight too long and for no reason. I ignored the fact that my life revolves around more than just you and how you feel. Egg shells crack and I am tired of preventing it from happening. So what happens now? I angered you and took it personal again. I let you affect me to where I wondered how you felt when I shouldn’t have. We are and have been a series of moments that should be long forgotten. I made a mess and admitted my blunders, why throw them at me now? Why care I have to say now? Why bring up things I have done as though they happened yesterday afternoon? Years will go by and will you still throw it around, will you still be angered at things long forgotten? I pray not because I am tired of the egg shells you put in front of me and the tone I get when you open your mouth.

Religion as a Cycle

Tell me something if you will. I read in the papers of the Catholic Church struggling, the troubles with its priest, there being no money to keep perishes open. I go on the internet and see the government pushing God away from their buildings and speeches. I see and read all this and I wonder in my mind is Christianity being pushed away from the public eye? There are traces of His name fading all around us, a name which once meant so much for so many. We live in a world where material, fame and bank accounts reign over our hearts and actions. Is this our God now? Is money and power being preached on the pulpit in a day where it seems a God of faith would be most needed? Yes it is. It is and only a few seem to notice; only a few seem to take action. A few proclaim the coming of God. Their savior is coming and a time of judgment is upon us. They cry for the many that don't see it. They come to your communities and homes speaking of salvation and love. These few cry that they are right. They have the answer. Are they right and the many wrong? They say it is written in their book, this time of judgment. It is this time where only the few shall hear and see and this time where many will fall. Are they really right? Or is it possible they follow a pattern set in history starting years ago. Can it be they just ride a wave which has been ridden by many others in years past?
Years ago, lands worshiped the Gods of Heaven and Earth. Water, Fire and the Gods who created us were made precious in the human eye. Statues and temples were built in their image, in their glory. They sent their sons and daughters to the fields to gather crops to bring to the Gods. They would have given all they knew and owned to be loved by these very Gods. Cultures around the world kept similar traditions with different names. Thousands of years of devout love, understanding, worship and faith created cultures strong and firm. Egyptians built temples with images of their Gods of many characters. Made silos to keep the grain given to them. Egyptians created an entire system of mummification based on the concept that they would one day live life for an eternity with Gods that told them this was so. The Aztecs gave human sacrifices to their Gods. Pyramids built to honor Gods who said this must be done. Greeks and Romans were no different in doing things to please their Gods. All of them doing such acts based on faith that their God was right. Their God was true.
So what of these Gods, traditions and cultures? Where are they now? They rest in the shadows of homes, of people, once were a majority now a minority. They meet in book stores, libraries, magic shops and in homes not marked by its faith. Will the God of today, this God that Christians and so many others today call the true God, fifty years from now be worships in book stores, libraries, bible shops and private homes? Will they be just as religions of old are now, the minority, the religion struggling to survive? Religions of today speak of the faith of old as though it were wrong. As though what these people believed so strongly about were mad, dammed and blind. However, will they share this same fate? Will they be judged upon, dammed and made wrong in a time not far from here? In a world such as today where money and power are the faith of choice, I see it that way. Another Religion being flushed, pushed aside and another taking its place. Will this God be wrong and another one step up and claim its authenticity? It has not been the first, and more than likely will not be the last.

The Angels, The Nun

I pour my heart out, but it feels no release.

Drain whats left until I am sure its raw throughout.

All the angels left for heaven, tonight there is no ease.

God doesn't feel these tears, He doesn't hear my lungs shout.

Knocking on the wooden door, let me in it's bitter to my skin.

The nun says stop, the angels have stopped carring for God's kin.

Have we broken His heart? Let down His message?

Well He has broken mine! Neglected this body, this soul.

The angels rest beside God, their wings closing our passage.

We are left to hell, He will not console.

The nun packs her bags, walks beside me in the rain.

God is selfish, He no longer sees our pain.

Books and scrolls a lie? God a fictional dream?

The angels laugh above the clouds, we fell for their deception.

Left stranded in madness, He never believed in me.

Loneliness. I never believed in His redemption.

I am desperate for truth, pleading for my everything.

The nun only shakes her head, there was no God in anything.

The angels close us out, God sleeps in their wings.

Million Little

Million little pieces. I pick them up one by one.

Are you watching the fragments collect in my dress?

Week after week you wear me thin. Months of words bellow.

Screams and scratches, they all go unnoticed.

Million little tears. Will you dry them one by one?

I watch you laugh at my loneliness.

Day after day I die a little living with you.

The heavens wont help me now, God refuses to reach out.

Million little blessings. Is there one for me?

I look for my belongings, you deny me my affections.

Moment after moment I grow smaller, I cannot reach you.

Are you who is meant to protect me?

Million little stares. One, two, three, I count on.

My bones you brake, my clothes are too small.

Hour after hour those who teach ponder on my bruises.

They neglect me just as you do.

Million little children. I am but just one.

Scour for love, reach out for sweet attention.

Minute by minute I am listening to your hands.

You lock the door and no one sees me any more.

Changing the Masses

Who decides what is right for any culture? Isn't it the culture itself which decides what is good and true and what is wrong and distasteful? Here I sit in a now heated debate over that very subject. What is appropriate and what is unacceptable behavior, who decides and who should benefit from such a decision.
I was once a woman who looked at any other culture as fascinating yet alien and abnormal. If it was different, it wasn't right. I moved to such a culture where I didn't know it, understand it and wanted it to change for my needs. Naive and foolish is what I and my thoughts were. When you leave your native land for another country for whatever reason you need to leave behind the notions that you can change the country and people you are moving to. Am I, the foreigner allowed to judge the habits of another when it is perfectly acceptable to them and not to me? No, if this is the custom of that land then the stranger cannot come in and judge or change it.
So I sit here now, a little wiser and more understanding of my surroundings, in the midst of an on line chat with expats such as myself debating on whether or not the way women in this country behave and speak is acceptable or not. I mean not to judge or categorize an entire populous of people in what I write; I only intend to write of my observations and experiences on the matter, the topic being the differences between women in Europe and American women. European women have, from my experiences, a way to be direct and to the point. They feel no need to beat around the bush and tip toe to make life a little easier for someone else. They speak their minds, and lack the ability to paint a pretty picture when the art work should be ugly. If you ask them what they think, they will tell you, even if it is to say you look bad in this or your opinion is naive and narrow minded.
The word tact has come up more times than it should and rudeness is another word being used to describe a class of women who in reality are kind and attentive. They are not indifferent to those around them and are not rude when they speak. They are women who are strong in their convictions, tasteful and delicate when need be and direct and honest to whom they encounter. Is there anything wrong with that? But if someone comes across the pond who is brought up dainty, taught to beat around the bush and avoid those toes at all costs and start pointing fingers and bashing the behavior of others it gets a little annoying and can cause arguments to ensue.
American women were raised differently than European women, why? Simply that their life experiences are different, their histories are by no means similar. It makes for living and raising very diverse. Does it mean that either is right or wrong? No, it shouldn't but it does mean you should respect the other culture and leave your eyes open to understand them as a whole and as an individual. Stating that all American women are weak too opinionated and uneducated to back up that opinion is also something one should not do. Do you know each American and for that matter do you know every European? Judging and demanding change is unreasonable and wrong.
I have heard conversations where Americans were generalized and put down for this reason or that. I have heard similar things when it came to the Europeans. There should be no generalizing at all. We are different and that is OK. It is acceptable to live differently, act and speak to what we know. So why go into someone’s home and tell them how they should raise their kids and cook food? Would anyone appreciate it if it were done to them? Probably not yet so many do it. As in this heated debate. Such cruel things are spoken to an entire class of people and for what reason, ignorance and the refusal to accept change and adapt to your surroundings? They live in a country not their own and expect people to make it as though it is. They demand change when there is no reason to ask for such a thing. You choose to leave then you must accept your decision and adapt to the place you live now and not try and change the masses to suit you.
Here is a thought to ponder. I read in this chat that they don't have to like, accept or adapt to the differences between them, the expats, and the culture they put themselves in. They will go on as they are and if they don't like the way people are here they will just avoid them all together. Wouldn't that alienate you and make your life miserable? The way people speak about each other and the places from which they come can sound so hateful and discriminatory. They expect it to be ok to speak about people in such a way that leaves others to believe they are barbarians or people unable to blend with others and get along with. Why expect it to be ok to say such things to others when in the very next sentence hate when people do it to you?

Differences

OK so here is what I am thinking. Being this American in a nation of Europe. I thoroughly enjoy seeing my country from this stand point. I mean really, can you see the whole picture when you are just a fraction of it? No, of course not. That's why non Americans know more about America than the Americans. And whether you like to admit it or not, they really do. Now, I didn't always like it, seeing what others saw about my country. I wasn't exactly gun ho about my country but it's mine and well you always have certain patriotism to it. Sitting on this side looking in made me see a lot I didn't like. It showed me a side I hadn't known existed to the extent that it does. But being has I have seen this point of view for some time now I have gotten used to it. I am not surprised as much as I used to be. Talking to my mother and other people about how after five years of having a residence permit here I can go for my citizenship I have come to a really big conclusion. I will give it up and become Dutch when I can. I will no longer be considered American when that time comes. I will be a Dutch National. And I tell you, it isn't as scary of a decision as I thought it would be. It actually seems fairly simple. When you factor the reasons why I will do this it seems almost funny that I pondered it for so long because every time I did I came to the same conclusion. OK. Let’s go here for a second. In my own country I cannot marry as I want. I cannot bring my partner. I know what you’re thinking; I am making this decision based on just this. Of course not. Though if your country said you were wrong and you weren't normal and had no rights wouldn't you feel just as disgusted? I think you would. Americans have a money hungry, power driven president who really doesn't care for the good of the people. Rather he thinks with power and money. Americans (whether you admit it or not) live in a place where, yes, your media is censored. I hear about things you don't. I have asked family and friends, have you heard about this? Or did you hear about that? And they go no, what? I would have more protections under Dutch and European law than I would in my own country. If I get my citizenship I can live anywhere in the European Union without question just as US people can move state to state. If I intend on living my days with my woman in this nation then why keep ties to a country I have no intention of living in again? What is the point? Do you see one that I am not? I know right now I am only going for my permit. And when I get it I will be able to function in this nation almost like everyone else. When my five years come up I can go for my citizenship and function just as any other national here. Why not want that? I talk to my father and he says to me, the Dutch can do that? How does that work? Would that work here? Of course it would, just the American Government wont try it. Whatever the case is the answers are the same. The American Government won’t do it unless it benefits the Government and it doesn't matter if it would benefit the people. What exactly is the point of this post? I don't think I have one.