What Happened now?

What happened now? Another lie, another fight or was it petty and pathetic? It’s always one or the other, it’s never simple, and nothing ever was. Its foundation was built on deceit, rash decisions and a false sense of need and wanting. It was never what it was intended. Life is funny that way isn’t it? Now you are my learning tool. Something I shouldn’t do. Something I learned too late I suppose. Is that ok? Sure, why not? I was happy in the end. The outcome is not always what we want, what we think it will be. Nor is it the end of our feelings and controlling them. Our emotions control the destiny, the rule of thumb. If only I had paid attention. I would have seen it coming, the end, the beginning. Or did I? Another thing that is entirely possible. I see you now. Are you the same, are you different? What do I see when I look at you? I see all the lies I told you. All the deceit I put into this. I see the ugliness I made, all that shone brightly in front. How is that? I see your mess; I see your degrading nature, your own lies and horrid behavior. I never thought to see my own when I saw your face. I should have. The perplexity that was our world, interchangeable, nerve racking is what it really is. Exposed and abused is what I feel. And this time I can blame me too. So what happened now? Was it another lie, fight or something pathetic? No. It wasn’t. It was me. It was my eyes opening wide open to my own flaws. My own world I created with you. It was my cleared up vision of it all. I get to blame me too now. I get to learn that I botched things up and I made mistakes that were ugly and placed too much weight on your shoulders. I saw myself in your eyes and I hated the imaged reflected. I hated what I had become with you.So, do I walk away from all this that has ravaged the two of us, never to look back and ponder anything? Have I truly learned the lessons given me? I doubt it for there is always something else to see that was missed the first dozen times of rummaging through the mess. I see the notes you left and the anger raging out toward me. Can I catch them all to throw them back at you? Oh how I would love to and yet I know I cannot. There is simply too much for me to bear when I see you and what you have to say about me and what was once us. I have carried the weight too long and for no reason. I ignored the fact that my life revolves around more than just you and how you feel. Egg shells crack and I am tired of preventing it from happening. So what happens now? I angered you and took it personal again. I let you affect me to where I wondered how you felt when I shouldn’t have. We are and have been a series of moments that should be long forgotten. I made a mess and admitted my blunders, why throw them at me now? Why care I have to say now? Why bring up things I have done as though they happened yesterday afternoon? Years will go by and will you still throw it around, will you still be angered at things long forgotten? I pray not because I am tired of the egg shells you put in front of me and the tone I get when you open your mouth.