Mom and my wedding

I think about my mother and I can’t help but think of all the trouble we have gone through. My life and the choices I have made weren’t always the right ones according to her. The things I cannot change and the things I had a hand it, it doesn’t matter. Since I was a child we have struggled to have a relationship that was good and strong though there were plenty of times where it was weak and we failed at making a relationship that weren’t full of fights. We haven’t spoken on several occasions and yet there were times where things were good and we talked constantly. Right now I don’t know where we stand, I don’t know how I feel and though I want nothing more than to finally have a solid and argument free relationship I fear I am mad and hurt. Do I express them and rock the boat. I am scared. I am so scared that if I do then there won’t be anything but fights, tears and silence in the end. It has happened before and as much I want to think things have changed, I don’t know that they have. She isn’t coming to my wedding. And while the reason she sounds legitimate and very well could be but something troubles me. There wasn’t much emotion. Did I want her to somehow convey that she was remorseful about it, cry or simply a sniffle to show she really did regret it? Maybe I want too much and there wasn’t any need for such drama or emotion. In either case I am hurt, I am sad that my own mother will not witness my happy day. The day I say ‘ja’ and am considered married in the eyes of the Dutch government and she won’t be there. Granted it will be a gay wedding and I know how she feels about gays, seeing as she is a born again Christian and all. She has said she would come; that she loves me regardless and be there for her only daughter’s wedding. Is it really too hard and the inability to get the time off just a clever way to avoid? These things I can’t help but think about. I could be making something out of nothing because it is such an important day to me and the thought that she won’t be there hurts, tears a little at the seams. It could very well be that because of the significance I am making too much out of it, trying to read something that isn’t there. Am I? I want her there, and now she won’t be. There weren’t tears that I could hear, there wasn’t much said on it at all actually. I being afraid to snap the thin and worn thread and she, I don’t know. She was able to get time off in July and not my day in September but maybe she can come then to finally see where I live, how I live and simply want to be near me. Maybe she will.I love my mom; I really do and want nothing more than for us to finally have a solid relationship. Yet part of me is scared that history repeats itself. Am I paranoid, scared or simply being ridiculous?