Mom and my wedding

I think about my mother and I can’t help but think of all the trouble we have gone through. My life and the choices I have made weren’t always the right ones according to her. The things I cannot change and the things I had a hand it, it doesn’t matter. Since I was a child we have struggled to have a relationship that was good and strong though there were plenty of times where it was weak and we failed at making a relationship that weren’t full of fights. We haven’t spoken on several occasions and yet there were times where things were good and we talked constantly. Right now I don’t know where we stand, I don’t know how I feel and though I want nothing more than to finally have a solid and argument free relationship I fear I am mad and hurt. Do I express them and rock the boat. I am scared. I am so scared that if I do then there won’t be anything but fights, tears and silence in the end. It has happened before and as much I want to think things have changed, I don’t know that they have. She isn’t coming to my wedding. And while the reason she sounds legitimate and very well could be but something troubles me. There wasn’t much emotion. Did I want her to somehow convey that she was remorseful about it, cry or simply a sniffle to show she really did regret it? Maybe I want too much and there wasn’t any need for such drama or emotion. In either case I am hurt, I am sad that my own mother will not witness my happy day. The day I say ‘ja’ and am considered married in the eyes of the Dutch government and she won’t be there. Granted it will be a gay wedding and I know how she feels about gays, seeing as she is a born again Christian and all. She has said she would come; that she loves me regardless and be there for her only daughter’s wedding. Is it really too hard and the inability to get the time off just a clever way to avoid? These things I can’t help but think about. I could be making something out of nothing because it is such an important day to me and the thought that she won’t be there hurts, tears a little at the seams. It could very well be that because of the significance I am making too much out of it, trying to read something that isn’t there. Am I? I want her there, and now she won’t be. There weren’t tears that I could hear, there wasn’t much said on it at all actually. I being afraid to snap the thin and worn thread and she, I don’t know. She was able to get time off in July and not my day in September but maybe she can come then to finally see where I live, how I live and simply want to be near me. Maybe she will.I love my mom; I really do and want nothing more than for us to finally have a solid relationship. Yet part of me is scared that history repeats itself. Am I paranoid, scared or simply being ridiculous?

Changing the Masses

Who decides what is right for any culture? Isn't it the culture itself which decides what is good and true and what is wrong and distasteful? Here I sit in a now heated debate over that very subject. What is appropriate and what is unacceptable behavior, who decides and who should benefit from such a decision.
I was once a woman who looked at any other culture as fascinating yet alien and abnormal. If it was different, it wasn't right. I moved to such a culture where I didn't know it, understand it and wanted it to change for my needs. Naive and foolish is what I and my thoughts were. When you leave your native land for another country for whatever reason you need to leave behind the notions that you can change the country and people you are moving to. Am I, the foreigner allowed to judge the habits of another when it is perfectly acceptable to them and not to me? No, if this is the custom of that land then the stranger cannot come in and judge or change it.
So I sit here now, a little wiser and more understanding of my surroundings, in the midst of an on line chat with expats such as myself debating on whether or not the way women in this country behave and speak is acceptable or not. I mean not to judge or categorize an entire populous of people in what I write; I only intend to write of my observations and experiences on the matter, the topic being the differences between women in Europe and American women. European women have, from my experiences, a way to be direct and to the point. They feel no need to beat around the bush and tip toe to make life a little easier for someone else. They speak their minds, and lack the ability to paint a pretty picture when the art work should be ugly. If you ask them what they think, they will tell you, even if it is to say you look bad in this or your opinion is naive and narrow minded.
The word tact has come up more times than it should and rudeness is another word being used to describe a class of women who in reality are kind and attentive. They are not indifferent to those around them and are not rude when they speak. They are women who are strong in their convictions, tasteful and delicate when need be and direct and honest to whom they encounter. Is there anything wrong with that? But if someone comes across the pond who is brought up dainty, taught to beat around the bush and avoid those toes at all costs and start pointing fingers and bashing the behavior of others it gets a little annoying and can cause arguments to ensue.
American women were raised differently than European women, why? Simply that their life experiences are different, their histories are by no means similar. It makes for living and raising very diverse. Does it mean that either is right or wrong? No, it shouldn't but it does mean you should respect the other culture and leave your eyes open to understand them as a whole and as an individual. Stating that all American women are weak too opinionated and uneducated to back up that opinion is also something one should not do. Do you know each American and for that matter do you know every European? Judging and demanding change is unreasonable and wrong.
I have heard conversations where Americans were generalized and put down for this reason or that. I have heard similar things when it came to the Europeans. There should be no generalizing at all. We are different and that is OK. It is acceptable to live differently, act and speak to what we know. So why go into someone’s home and tell them how they should raise their kids and cook food? Would anyone appreciate it if it were done to them? Probably not yet so many do it. As in this heated debate. Such cruel things are spoken to an entire class of people and for what reason, ignorance and the refusal to accept change and adapt to your surroundings? They live in a country not their own and expect people to make it as though it is. They demand change when there is no reason to ask for such a thing. You choose to leave then you must accept your decision and adapt to the place you live now and not try and change the masses to suit you.
Here is a thought to ponder. I read in this chat that they don't have to like, accept or adapt to the differences between them, the expats, and the culture they put themselves in. They will go on as they are and if they don't like the way people are here they will just avoid them all together. Wouldn't that alienate you and make your life miserable? The way people speak about each other and the places from which they come can sound so hateful and discriminatory. They expect it to be ok to speak about people in such a way that leaves others to believe they are barbarians or people unable to blend with others and get along with. Why expect it to be ok to say such things to others when in the very next sentence hate when people do it to you?

Differences

OK so here is what I am thinking. Being this American in a nation of Europe. I thoroughly enjoy seeing my country from this stand point. I mean really, can you see the whole picture when you are just a fraction of it? No, of course not. That's why non Americans know more about America than the Americans. And whether you like to admit it or not, they really do. Now, I didn't always like it, seeing what others saw about my country. I wasn't exactly gun ho about my country but it's mine and well you always have certain patriotism to it. Sitting on this side looking in made me see a lot I didn't like. It showed me a side I hadn't known existed to the extent that it does. But being has I have seen this point of view for some time now I have gotten used to it. I am not surprised as much as I used to be. Talking to my mother and other people about how after five years of having a residence permit here I can go for my citizenship I have come to a really big conclusion. I will give it up and become Dutch when I can. I will no longer be considered American when that time comes. I will be a Dutch National. And I tell you, it isn't as scary of a decision as I thought it would be. It actually seems fairly simple. When you factor the reasons why I will do this it seems almost funny that I pondered it for so long because every time I did I came to the same conclusion. OK. Let’s go here for a second. In my own country I cannot marry as I want. I cannot bring my partner. I know what you’re thinking; I am making this decision based on just this. Of course not. Though if your country said you were wrong and you weren't normal and had no rights wouldn't you feel just as disgusted? I think you would. Americans have a money hungry, power driven president who really doesn't care for the good of the people. Rather he thinks with power and money. Americans (whether you admit it or not) live in a place where, yes, your media is censored. I hear about things you don't. I have asked family and friends, have you heard about this? Or did you hear about that? And they go no, what? I would have more protections under Dutch and European law than I would in my own country. If I get my citizenship I can live anywhere in the European Union without question just as US people can move state to state. If I intend on living my days with my woman in this nation then why keep ties to a country I have no intention of living in again? What is the point? Do you see one that I am not? I know right now I am only going for my permit. And when I get it I will be able to function in this nation almost like everyone else. When my five years come up I can go for my citizenship and function just as any other national here. Why not want that? I talk to my father and he says to me, the Dutch can do that? How does that work? Would that work here? Of course it would, just the American Government wont try it. Whatever the case is the answers are the same. The American Government won’t do it unless it benefits the Government and it doesn't matter if it would benefit the people. What exactly is the point of this post? I don't think I have one.

Culture Differences

When I first landed in the Netherlands to say I was taken a back was an understatement. Just the look is different to what I know in America. Being to several states and living in a few I can tell you, most of it looks all the same. Sure we have mountainous areas, deserts, forests and crop fields but when you get to the rural areas and cities, aside from the occasional building that stands out, really it looks all the same. The streets I was now walking on were cleaner and the endless cobs of wires hanging over our heads for power, phone and whatever else we can think of was no where in sight. It was all under my feet with dirt and brick covering it all nice and neat. I know places like California does this but where I from in New York, that isn't the case. Side walks was another thing, they were everywhere! Bike paths, side walks and the road flows nicely side by side with rules for each to follow for all to live in relative harmony. I mean, since bicycles are a major mode of transportation here they had to do something right? In North Babylon side walks are scarce, reverting to walking along side the road or on someone’s lawn. But this is all just the look of the Netherlands verses America. Every country looks different with things that make them who they are. It's also the culture that's extremely different.
In the first months that I was here I was getting one eye opener after another. You see stories on the news here that you have seen in America but it seems so different. It isn't censored! They tell the whole story for what it is. So I was getting larger amounts of facts I hadn't living in America. To say the least it was a large pill to swallow. You know that the media can be corrupt and people want things covered a certain way but really, this much! Whole stories I couldn't find on any news station or news paper there I was finding here and it was on my own country. I know Americans like to think they aren't, that their government and media, for the most part, is fair and just. I was just such an American. That's why it was so hard to take. Yet it wasn't only the television that was uncensored here. The people were just as demanding to know and open as the television in front of me.
Take for example what I as an American goes through with living with a father. I get my period and need tampons, now I am in pain and don't really want to go out but he is so I ask him. First off, squirms at the thought. Looks at me like I asked him to walk on the moon but says OK. I tell him what I need and off he goes. He is so mortified by the experience of buying a product that is as natural to use for women as toilet paper that he tosses them my way and informs me to never ask again; beet red and shy to even discuss it. Why? Any woman in his life has or is going through this and he is by no means the only man who acts this way. Most men in America will not do this for their women or if they do they are so shy and mortified by the experience they want to hide when they get to the counter. Yet here if a woman needs that very same product, they ask what and get it. Now sure there are a few who squirm a little but for the most part they see it as natural as toilet paper and tissues.
I was at my mother in laws house one weekend and I wanted to weigh myself. Of course you are down to your underwear and wait what the digital numbers are going to say. Now while I am in this process of torture my mother in law walks in the room! I have a thong on and nothing more and she starts talking and looking at the scale as though it was perfectly fine! My skin and weight number are now in her line of sight and she keeps talking! Is this right I ask? Do they really do that!? My partner looks at me like I am the odd ball because, well, I am. A body is just a body I am told. She has the same stuff I do just a little more used. And my weight? Well that’s just a number right. Good god! I think I have seen my mother naked once in all my life, at least that I can recall. Nudity is shown on the television because after all, its just a body. Can you see what I am getting at. Americans are prudes. We really are. We are sheltered little beings that are taught that Modesty means not even your own mother sees you naked and God forbid we discuss the facts of life in a calm manner without anyone turning ten shades of red. The Dutch are direct and honest. They are open and tolerant, at least on the outside. Americans don't know what tolerance means and being direct and honest is a trait so few have now a day. We beat around the bush with beautiful flowers in our hands in hopes of hiding the hideous truth. Why?
Now I know not all Americans are like this just as not all the Dutch are this way. But majority are and the differences in just the few examples I have given are vast. The world I now live in has changed me. I am more comfortable in my own skin, I blurt out what I think, most of the time, and the stupid things we get shy about I look at and go so what. Some say Americans are weak and intolerant. They are prude and shallow. Now, being an American, I would have disagreed, totally and completely. But now. That's a different story.
When you step outside your world and see it from someone else point of view, I mean really have an open heart and mind to see what they see, and you will learn about yourself and where you are from. I have learned so much about America by simply not being in it. And maybe that is the case with other people and other nations, I don't know, but I know this is the case for me. I know that, for me, they were right. We can be very shallow, opinionated with not much to really say. We are prudish and shy about the simplest of human natures. Sex, menstruation and other issues don't get talked about much. We don't go into detail because it's too private. Well if we don't talk about it in a public way what makes you think people talk about it in private? We don't talk about the intolerance and the weakness in ourselves. We don't talk about the 'secrets' in society. What exactly do we talk about?
This is just my thought on just a few things I see as an American outside in Europe. I could go on, but that would mean a book!

Would you?

What would you say if I told you I liked Europe better? What would you tell me if I admitted I never wanted to live in America again knowing what I know now? Would you hate me? Call me unpatriotic or anti American? There are things I see and things I hear that forces me to rethink what I understand as a human being and as an American. Events take my eyes and open them wide to the images I didn't know existed before. Would you stop talking to me because our opinions and life experiences change? I think some would because it has already happened.
Let me share with you a story. It is a story of a friend I used to talk to on an everyday basis. Politics, the weather, issues at hand and mundane things that went on in our lives. For the most part our conversations flowed effortlessly and rarely did our opinions differ. We were both Americans just living in different states. However when I moved to the Netherlands things started changing. Conversations dwindled and opinions became very different. We don't talk about politics and the issues that face America and the world any more. We don't talk about priorities in our lives; we actually hardly talk any more. Why? Because while I changed when my life changed with the move her life stood still. My eyes opened to a whole new world over here in Europe. Their mentality is different as is the cultures they live in. More open, honest, brutally honest at times, and not afraid to say what they think of any country or people. I think I have developed said mentality in living here and dealing with Europeans on a day to day basis. If I think the American government is doing a horrible job or if I think the American people don't do enough in questioning their government or standing up to it I will say so and have.
This friend tells me it would be easier to live in America with my Dutch partner. How? I cannot bring my partner over as the law is written now. My relationship with my partner is not protected under that law. It is here however. She tells me that I could easily find work while she struggles to find one herself. She tells me things will get better over there while the powers that be won’t show a way that it will and that is OK with her. How can it be OK? Don't you write your congressman, vote in elections and do everything you, as a citizen, can do to make changes? No, I do not, I am just one voice so what does it matter is what I am told. Yet in the next breath she complains about the lack of change. If I speak of how her voice does matter, or if I express an opinion about the government I am told that it doesn't work that way, I do not understand. Why do I not understand, just because I live over seas? I am still an American; I still watch and read the news. What goes on in that country does affect me as I am still a citizen of that country, yet somehow I do not understand? She gets flustered when I mention anything that doesn't flow in her mind. So, now as it stands we barely speak. We do not agree on much of anything and in her opinion I am too blunt, too opinionated and lack the ability to see America as the land of the free and opportunity.
Am I distracted by the Atlantic Ocean and the distance it brings? Am I blinded to some truth that the European culture covers up? I will tell you this. I do pay attention to the news everyday, both here and what goes on in America. If I do not understand something in which I have heard I will research it up to better follow it. I did live in America. I lived as an upper middle class citizen and have had such struggles that nearly landed me on the streets. I have been ignorant to the ways of the country and the government and have been ignorant to the way outsiders viewed my country. I have also opened my eyes and had painful days in accepting the reality of my country, my home. I have seen America through an Americans eyes and I now see America as a non American sees it. Is this cause to say I am too blunt and opinionated? Do I really lack the ability to understand America and the world around it? I do not see it as the land of the free. If it were I would not have to tell my partner I cannot bring you to my country. I do not see as the land of opportunity unless you are wealthy and buy that opportunity. I do not see how the American public does all it can to be active with its government and I lack the ability to understand why they bitch when the same government does something they don't approve of.
So, in all this would you hate me if I told you I did not like the country I came from, that I was disappointed in the choices it has made? Would you be disgusted if I told you I was willing to give up my American citizenship in order to be a Dutch National? Does that make me unpatriotic or anti American if I better my life by doing so? This friend is just one of a few people who look at me in a disgusted manner because my views and opinions have changed. What does that mean to me? Will I lose more people I thought friends because I no longer believe in America? These things I ponder, these things make my heart ache. Would I hate me if I looked at this the way they do?

Who we are

Here is a thought for the day. Who are you? Who am I? What makes us American, Dutch, German or any other nationality you can think of? What identifies us to the culture in which we come from and what guides us into the new culture we are itching to consume?
Someone pointed out to me a few things yesterday. Now I come from America and with that come a certain amount of attitude and back talk when someone points out a flaw we don't want to see. I should tell you, I didn't want to hear it at first. All the things I was missing and the things I wasn't doing to squeeze myself into this culture I have plopped myself in. I wanted to defend myself, give examples of why I couldn't or why I hadn't. It's what Americans do right? Well, I am Dutch now and do the Dutch argue the way someone from America might? Not at all. So, what were these things thrown at me in such a manner that I had no choice but to see them, acknowledge them and swallow them down like a giant horse pill? To answer that question I have to show you something that I have learned.
The Dutch have an interesting way of existing that I frankly never understood or even acknowledged for the most part. Do you know your neighbor? Do you know how to defend yourself, family and friends at a moments notice? I bet you couldn’t tell me where every item is in your home? They can with such accuracy it boarders on scary. Are you a pack rat? Someone who saves all the practical things for years, such as bags, containers and every bill and letter you have ever received in the mail? I can tell you from personal experience they have every bill and piece of paper ever received and asked about such a piece of paper can bring it out in two seconds. Why, because they love covering their butts. They know that the world is flawed and that if anything were to happen with the bank or the mail they can prove they did what was asked or can show what hasn’t occurred and why. There are four piles in our home. One pile is the mail just received, second pile is the bills that need paying, pile three is the pile that has been paid for the month and the fourth is the mail that isn’t a priority but we will look at when time allows. I have to tell you, my time in America and paying bills was not this organized. I have come to accept and fall into that pattern of the piles. I know not to touch piles two and three since they do not apply to me. I know I can browse through pile four and I put together the first.
Bags, lots and lots of bags are roaming in the pantry. Sandwich bags, storage bags, the grocery bags and the biggest of them all I call the granny cart. Were you aware that you have to pay for your grocery bags in the Netherlands? Ten cents for the plastic and up to five euro for the bigger more durable bags that will last you years if you treat them right. I know; we have had the same two bags for two years now. Why do they do this? Well, they actually have a few reasons. One reason is if you have to pay for something, you are more likely not to chuck it on the ground or in the river. Grocery bags are in every Dutch home. Some people keep them in a crate, the containers the milk comes in at your local corner store, and some keep them within a bag. We keep them nice and tidy in a bag. I will bring two with me to the grocery store on average. Major shops or trips to the market require the granny cart. Now these bags will last a while, even the ten cent bag which brings me to another reason, resourcefulness and practicality. Why buy two bags when you have two perfectly good ones at home? So fewer bags are wasted and less plastic used and abused in our environment. Waste not, want not. The Dutch take this to heart. While an American will go to the store and buy groceries and chuck the plastic and paper bags that will only last until they reach their doorstep the Dutch see a reason for making more durable bags to use again. More plastic and paper will be wasted when next they need milk bread or a bag of chips.
An American will easily use a sandwich bag once and chuck it in the garbage, or anywhere else they see fit, they will chuck their bills and curse later that they didn’t save it when someone calls saying they didn’t pay. I know; I used to be that very person, like so many floating around that big country. But why do the Dutch save and reuse virtually everything? They do it because they know what it is like to not have anything. Do you know what it is like to lose everything because water decides it wants its land back? I know I don’t but they do. I have learned that for many, they aren’t into having things just because they can. They have things because they have value in some fashion and they hang on to it because at any moment it could all be gone. I was that girl who wanted things just because. I was the girl who saw no reason to worry that something might happen. I have never been conquered, I have never lost to the sea and I have never endured the perils of having nothing. Which comes to another thing I was shown.
What would you do if your neighbor’s dog was sick or the old lady down the street needed an extra hand with her groceries? Would you even know that dogs name or the old lady down the road? They do, seriously, they do. They are a nation who talks to everyone. They know faces, names, dates and pets. They know where you work and what you like. They are a nation who loves their neighbor and will stop in the middle of the street to ask you how the baby is holding up in the cold or how your mother is because they know them too.
Now imagine if something happened. Mother Nature was in a mood or your neighboring country wanted your land what would you do? Would you wait for the military to come in and save the day or wait for the government to tell you what to do? Yes you would, as an American; you most certainly would because it has happened time and time again. The Dutch, when the government has gone on the tube and announced what is going on and what to do the Dutch already know and are already in the middle of doing whatever it is they need to do. They ban together, kick butt, save lives and fix what ever needs tending to before any authority has told them to do it. Why, because they love their land and their people. They are Dutch and the Dutch have endured long before America was even seen along the distant horizon. They will wait for no one and they will do it themselves because if they want it done and done right, their own two hands will do it. Their neighbors will call their names and they will come. That is the kind of nation this is. It was brought to my attention that I don’t know my neighbors names. I can remember their face but I don’t know much more than that. If something were to happen, I would be the scared little girl waiting for someone to save me.
I am Dutch now. I am Dutch and therefore I need to think Dutch. I need to be Dutch. I wanted to defend myself and tell my friend he had no right to talk to me like this. Yet I said nothing and listened. I need to learn that I am somewhere else. Kansas doesn’t exist in my world any more. Things were brought to my attention that needs to be attended to. I need to walk, talk, sleep, eat and think in the nation that I put myself in. I am Dutch. What makes me that way? Is it the land I step on, the buildings and customs or the language and history? It is all of it and more. It is a mind set and acceptance of those things that make people who they are. A German can be stopped anywhere they go just as an American can be pointed out. Why is that? It is because we take who we are with us, our own history, language and culture. Can you become German without being born there? I think for the most part you can. Forego all you know and submerge you in them and be as they are. So we are who we want to be. We are who we are based on history, experiences, where we have been and where we are going. We are who ever we want to be and all it takes is acceptance of that and what is around you.