Guilt from my own words.

If I write these words and point you out will you forgive me if everyone sees? My secrets, my life and the stories I put into motion as someone turns the pages. What would you do if they knew I was speaking of you with the actions and hatred you bestowed upon me while they read on? There are days where I put into question any talent I might have. Do I have the right to call myself a writer, a title given to the privileged few? Those afternoons where I feel the talent and ambition flow through me, I wonder how other writers deal with the consequences of the words they write. We press to paper things we know, the pen flowing with drama and horrors we grasp. Sure, we stretch the truth as we see it but the loved ones around us see themselves or our own life’s story in the pages they turn. What does that make me as a writer? The storyteller people want to hate? I fear the day you read my work, I dread the moment you see some part of your life in there for the entire world to see. The guilt I see in myself sometimes eats at me until I don’t ever want to hold that pen and paper ever again. Do I believe you could handle the words I write? Not at all. My life as I see it and lived I use however I chose in the works that I write. However I must tell you I truly dread letting you even peak into the world I have created for myself. It is my words and my life, you just happen to be a part of it in some way. Does that make me a vile monster to express what I feel and think to the pages I desire to create? You would have be believe it so and I tend to agree today. Will that change? It always does, tomorrow I may aspire to be the greatest writer I can be. Though right now, I beat myself up for the words I write, the dreams I show shattered and secrets I reveal for all to see. I dread the moment you open the pages and see the world I created. A work of fiction or non it doesn't matter, you will hate them all the same and detest my fingers for putting it all down. I am a writer, though today I don't feel like one. Today I don't want to be a writer.