Needing

I need to be able to express what weighs down my heart and mind. There must be a way for there to be openness, a means to accept the words I give you as my own and not an attack on anything. Simply accept them. Yet with this plea there lays doubt. Doubt that what I have to bare you will take to heart and judge me for it. Attack the emotions and thoughts I have and ignore that I simply mean to express. I love you, no matter what has been or will be I love you. There have been periods in our relationship where we have been mother-daughter, friends, sisters and enemies. We have tried to pour it all out and at times succeeded while other times failed. I am desperate to find a balance to share with you as you have shared with me but I am scared. Afraid that you won’t hear me; afraid you will banish them as rambles or worse yet belittle them until I feel I have wronged you. I write all this in some attempt to rationalize our rocky periods and find peace when life was beautiful, I write all this in some form of preparation to the real words I am about to write. Whether it works or not remains to e seen and probably won’t show until after you have read this. I do not nor have I made light of our relationship and what has gone on. On the contrary I have held it all dear and close. Sometimes too close but that is my own doing. I have taken and learned the lessons taught me and taken the experiences given me and made them character builders, good or bad. I have taken it all and loved you all the same. At times hating you, angered or hurt by you and other times cherishing you. Cherishing you for who you are, what you have gone through and have achieved. With all this there are times where I feel I still don’t understand you. I feel as though I am a child desperately trying to grasp onto the world around me. Maybe none of this is any attempt or preparation but only a means to stall what I really mean to ask and say.